Fun
by Skuzzbucket
Summary: Zidane has some fun. Postgame shorts.
1. Perseverance

Fun

Zidane has some fun. Small oneshots. Mostly postgame, and written with the assumption that Kuja is alive. (Why does everyone assume he's dead? Nowhere does it say in bold letters that he died. Zidane survived the impossible, is it so much more of a stretch to think he might have snuck Kuja through the walls of probability with him? Besides, Kuja's too much fun not to write. Kuja's like a little Napoleonic fairy dust dance diva, and I'm his agent.).

Perseverance

"Come on."

"Not right now."

"Come on."

"I'm busy."

"Come on!"

"I've got work to do, Zidane!"

"COME ON!"

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!"

Dagger reached up and pulled Zidane down for a kiss. "There. Now leave me alone."

Zidane rubbed his lips thoughtfully. "Again."

Dagger smacked his shoulder. "NO!"

"Come on!"


	2. Big Brother is Watching

Big Brother is Watching You

Zidane really didn't know what he was doing.

Kuja would go so far as to say he never knew what he was doing. But then, nobody else on this planet really seemed to have any idea, so that wasn't unusual.

Still, LILIES? Who gave LILIES to someone they liked? She was a queen with her own majestic flower garden, there was plenty of opportunity for plant oriented romance that didn't involve funereal florals.

Kuja's inner fabulous rejected the previous statement as too campy. Stick to funereal flowers.

Kuja rubbed the lens of the telescope absently. He could pick up a better choice of bouquet later- the girl didn't come back from the embassy until afternoon and by then he could intercept his poorly misguided sibling and save his love life for him.

Not roses. Definitely not roses. Eugh.

"What are you doing?"

Kuja spasmed in surprise like a fish fresh out of the net. Turning over, the little summoner girl stared down at him, hands akimbo. "It's pretty obvious you're fruity, but your own brother? That's sick."

"For your information," drawled Kuja, (with only a barely perceptible pause in reaction time) "I'm watching out for him. I've lost count of the amount of times I've stepped in before he made some huge mistake. I'm saving him from himself."

"You must have a lot of time on your hands." Said Eiko, rolling her eyes and pulling out her own telescope. Kuja eyed it warily. "I tried to destroy the world and failed. One's schedule is a tad empty after that, believe me. Besides, what does a little girl like you know about fruity?"

"You're wearing a codpiece and thigh-highs. Color me observant." Deadpanned Eiko, laying down on the roof and adjusting the telescope.

"You think it's EASY to pull this off?" Responded Kuja indignantly, sitting back down. "I'm chic."

"You're a voyeur is what you are.."

"Look who's talking. By the way, why do YOU have a telescope?"

Eiko smirked. "Vivi's buying me flowers."


	3. Stop Taking All My Stuff!

Stop taking all my stuff!

"Okay." Sighed Dagger, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Let's go over this one more time. Zidane? State the charges."

Zidane pointed an accusatory finger at his brother across the table. "That bastard took it! It was finest quality, too! I left it lying around for one second on the table, and I come back and it's gone!"

Kuja sniffed. "Your name wasn't on it. Besides, I should tell you that it was overrated. I've had better tasting oglops."

"You've eaten oglops? Can't say I'm surprised."

"Pig."

"Queer."

"Letch."

"Okay, save the name-calling for when I don't have to be around you two." Said the Queen, frowning. "Kuja, did you know it was his?"

Kuja looked away. "He… may have made mention of it at some point."

"And you still took it."

Kuja shot a tragically hurt look Daggers way. "He promised me he'd give me one! He PROMISED! Is it my fault he went back on a PROMISE, Miss Garnet?" His eyes teared up and his lower lip trembled.

"Wow, Kooj. Think you might be pouring it on a little thick?" Said Zidane sarcastically, resting his chin on one hand.

"Bite me, wiseass." Kuja shot back darkly, all traces of sorrow draining from his face.

Zidane stood up and stared him down. "You know what? If you want the damn things so bad, be honest with yourself for once and SHOW YOUR DAMN TAIL."

Kuja put the back of his hand to his mouth and gasped. "How dare you! You know my tail clashes with my hair!"

Dagger stood in one fluid movement and brought all her years of royal upbringing to bear. "SHUT UP!" Zidane and Kuja both sat down, hands on their knees, facing away from her.

Dagger ran a hand through her hair and groaned. "Look, I happen to have a small stash of them in one of the towers. If you'll both shut up, I'll show you where they are."

Zidane looked up a little, pouting. "…How many?"

"About three bunches."

Kuja leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. "I can forget for three bunches. But Miss Garnet, why on earth would YOU want them so badly?"

Garnet turned and motioned for them to follow her. "When you want to shut a monkey up, you give him bananas."


	4. Three short shorts

I threw a bunch together here, since they were all pretty short. Enjoy!

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Stay at home

"I DO SO have a job, Steiner."

"Like what? All you do is sit around in the castle all day and distract the Queen."

Zidane spread his arms wide, grinning. "Gigalo!"

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Three rules

"Three rules, Vivi."

The hat bobbed. "Okay."

"One. They can smell fear. And fear is stinky and gross and they don't like it, so you have to be confidant."

"Um…"

"I didn't say it was easy. I just said it worked. It's okay to be a little nervous if they think it's cute, but don't be afraid. Two, they hate arrogance. So be confidant, but don't act like the sun shines out of your ass." Zidane tapped a finger to his chin. "For you, that probably won't be a problem."

Vivi heaved a long, hard sigh.

"Three, they like it when you make them laugh."

Vivi perked up. "Oh, that's good."

Zidane smiled happily. "Great! Glad I could be of help!"

"Eiko laughs at me all the time."

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Unconventional Proposal.

"Hey Dagger. Marry me?" His breathing was heavy.

"…is this the time?" Her voice was hoarse.

"I can't think of a better one, can you?" Zidane blinked as sweat slipped into his eyes.

"No, I guess not." Her shirt clung to her with sweat.

"So, is that a yes?" He smiled.

"Yes, of course." Dagger blushed.

"EXCUSE ME, ARE WE GOING TO FIGHT OR CAN I GET ON WITH DESTROYING THE WORLD?" Bellowed Necron.


	5. The Luxurient Truth

The luxuriant truth

"Got your helmet!"

Steiner staggered with Zidanes weight on his shoulders. "Give that back!"

"Not a chance, Rusty." Said Zidane, performing a complicated acrobatic maneuver and landing on one hand. "I've always wanted to see what you look like under all this crap. I bet you're skinnier than me!" Righting himself, he dropped his jaw comically at what he saw. Steiner covered his head with both hands embarrassedly.

Zidane dropped the helmet and zoomed in close. "RUSTY! You have HAIR!"

"Why wouldn't I?" Said the knight angrily, trying to shove the smaller man away. Zidane leapt and dodged, trying to get a better look. "Dunno, I just always pictured you as bald… wow, not only do you have hair, it's AMAZING hair! I mean, I'm no stylist, but that stuffs really, like, shiny and curly!"

"Shiny and curly? Just what's shiny and curly?" The Queen and her General descended the staircase together with grace… until they saw Steiner. "Adelbert!" Said Beatrix, looking scared. "Put that away!"

"Wow," Breathed Garnet. "It's so thick…" She floated over and ran a hand through it. Beatrix rushed up and grabbed a lock too, almost possessively. "It was a rats nest before I got to it. Since then I've been forcing him to use conditioner." She spoke quickly, as if to remind Garnet that she was here. Garnet had a dreamy look on her face. "Steiner, I would have been much more attentive of your advice if I knew you were keeping THIS hidden…"

Zidane stepped in next to her, motioning to his head. "Um, y'know, you can stroke my hair too, Dagger-"

"In a minute, honey." She said, not even looking at him. Beatrix tugged on one of Steiners locks. "Sweetie, we have to head to the war council, remember?"

The knight looked lost. "War council? I don't remember any war council-"

"Actually, I need Steiner to come with me for a short while, I have some matters of state to discuss-" Dagger tugged on the other lock savagely.

"OW!"

"Hey now, Dagger, I thought we were going to take a walk in the garden today!" Zidane tried to grab the lock out of Daggers hand, and ended up splitting it down the middle and tugging it in a new direction.

"OW OW! LEGGO!" Steiner unknotted their fingers and fled. Dagger lost her balance from his clumsy shove and fell to the ground, but Beatrix kept her balance and followed.

Dagger sat up and sighed. "Darn." She looked over, expecting Zidane to come over and help her stand, (Like he did when she wore heels) but she found him pouting instead. "What's wrong?"

"You… you just really liked his hair, didn't you." He said. "You were coming on pretty strong."

"Oh, that." Dagger stood awkwardly, almost falling. "It wasn't like that."

"Sure seemed like it."

She brushed off the back of her dress and sighed. "Look, if you must know, there's a hairdressing competition coming up for palace residents."

Zidane did a double take. "That's… really strange."

"It was Beatrix's idea. Now I see why. I thought I'd rope you into it at the last minute, but now I have to compete with her for him."

"I didn't even know you had any interest in dressing other peoples hair."

"What, I'm not allowed one hobby? Aside from you?" She sidled up to him, smirking and running a finger over his chest.

He grinned. "Oh, so I'm a hobby now."

"Well… among other things. So…" She leaned in close…

And grabbed his ponytail. Turning on one heel, she stalked off purposefully, dragging him behind her. "Just to be safe, I'd better get started on figuring out what to do with this mop NOW."

"Huh?! I thought you wanted Steiner!" Zidane stumbled, wincing.

"I do. But I like to hedge my bets. Besides, I can't seduce him when I need something."

Garnet strode to her dressing room, dragging Zidane behind her.


	6. Amalgamation Information

Amalgamation Information

"Kuja, what's HAPPENING TO ME?!"

Kuja looked up from his book at his brother. "Hmm?"

Zidane stood panting in the doorway, and he was about as tall as Kuja now. His eyes were slightly dilated and his hair was fading to a maroon color at the roots. He was bare-chested, and sitting all alone between his pectorals was a single, curly maroon hair.

Zidane pointed, his expression slightly panicky. "What is THAT?!"

Kuji looked back to his play transcript. "It's a hair."

"I know that! Why is it on ME?!"

"You're a mammal. Most of us have hair."

"But… but Dagger doesn't like hairy guys!"

"Too bad for her, then." The corners of Kuja's mouth perked. "Or for you, really."

Zidane strolled in and started walking back and forth in the room. "I'm way past the point when I should be going through puberty! Why is this happening now?!"

"HUMAN puberty, maybe."

"What?"

"Genome's live longer. We go through puberty later. Haven't you ever wondered why your voice hasn't changed yet?"

Zidane stopped in his tracks. "But… well, Dagger and I have… you know."

"Fucked like rabbits?"

"Yeah."

"Don't look at me. Apparently you're just weird. You don't see any other Genomes with hairy chests." Kuja grinned as Zidane visibly blanched. "So.. I'll grow hair and my voice will change. Why is my hair turning red?"

"That's your color when you Trance, right? Genome pubertal stages are punctuated by small Trance time. First you'll go through the basics- you'll have a growth spurt-"

Zidane nodded. "Did that."

"You'll physically mature and fill out, and if you're abnormal probably grow hair-"

"Don't talk about the hair unless you want to talk about feathers, birdbrain."

"Okay, okay. Then you'll experience an undeniable urge to mate with someone that will last four days and four nights." Kuja said calmly, turning a page.

"WHAT?!"

"Remember, most Genomes were soulless shells. The mating period is what kept us propagating."

"I gotta find Dagger. She'll… wait, you said someone. What if you don't have a… someone?"

"Go away, Zidane. I'm reading."

"Like, say, you for example? Who did you mate with? I mean, were you down here at the time?"

Kuja shut the book and stood. "I'm going to go somewhere you won't follow."

Zidane followed him out the door at speed. "Who was there you could mate with? Eugh, was it Brahne?"

The other man snarled. His lipstick cracked. "NO, you idiot. I'm gay! And even if I wasn't… YUCK."

"So you ADMIT you were down here?" Kuja didn't respond. Zidane tapped his chin in thought. "Still, what other people did you have any contact with? The king was dead, I'm sure Beatrix wouldn't take that kind of thing from you, so that leaves…" Zidane slowed to a halt. "NO WAY." Kuja kept walking. "GoodBYE, Zidane." He said.

Zidane ran after him for a moment. "Just tell me which one-" but then he stopped, and his eyes glazed over. Kuja turned and grinned. "Hah. Outlasted you. I think I saw the princess over in the rose garden if you want to take a look." Zidane nodded dreamily and turned and ran full speed down a staircase and through the castle.

Kuja smiled and went to sat over by a window, where he could see his younger brother pelting towards the rose garden. Zidane turned a corner, and a moment later there was a loud screech. Kuja grinned.

He turned around and found himself face to face with Beatrix, who smirked. "So you're embarrassed, are you?"

Kuja snarled. "Don't you dare tell anyone."

"Hey, your secrets safe with me, featherface. But you better find a cover story in four days time, or Zidane'll come back for the details."

Kuja sighed. "They are dead, right?"

"As far as I know."

Kuja sat back and groaned. "Stupid clowns."


End file.
